This is it. This is where my life changes forever.

Life can change so quickly. Time can suddenly seem irrelevant and everything can fall into place in the blink of an eye. June was the month that I got the opportunity to have Namjoon’s eyes on my work. My name in his mouth. My words in his frontal lobe. The fate of my career, perhaps even my life, in his hands. No pressure, Namjoon. No big deal. 

I’m getting a bit ahead of myself, though. It wouldn’t be very ‘me’ of me to put the high point at the start of the chapter. So let’s backtrack to 46 days ago when I realised I had missed the opportunity to write a book with BTS. This is my comeback story in three acts.

There’s just one more item on my 2023 list to go. The big one.

So there I was, receiving news I really didn’t want to receive. BTS and some other person had written a book together. And that other person was not called Wallea Eaglehawk. They were not me. My very big dream was ripped out from under me. Or so I thought. Perhaps what surprised me the most about the Earth-shattering news that BTS were releasing a book with someone else… was that it wasn’t Earth-shattering at all. After reading the post, a singular tear rolled down my face as I slid my phone back into my pocket. I opened the door for my dogs to go outside and I looked up at the trees and sky above. For about five minutes I asked myself how I should be feeling, as I wasn’t feeling much of anything at all. The melodic falsetto of Rou singing Enter Shikari’s Return to Energiser played on loop in my head as I returned to walking laps around my house. “That’s not what you want… That’s not what you want…” As I walked, it became quite clear to me that this was not the opportunity that I wanted. In fact, it’s good that it’s happening. Because I don’t want to write about BTS’ history. I want to write about the here and now, about things that won’t necessarily be filed under ‘the history of BTS’. Ideas and concepts and emotions that can only be conveyed in the fruits of a creative relationship between me and the group. Now that a book is soon to be in the world about the history of BTS, one that will undoubtedly sell well, there is space–and demand–for more BTS-related works. This book, by all means, is paving the way for me. It’s priming an audience of over a million readers in multiple languages. And once a 10-year history of BTS is released, it’s going to be another 10 years before the next one can be compiled. That’s a lot of time for me to work with. A lot of empty spaces in the market–and, presumably, Hybe’s agenda–to be filled. During the days after the announcement, I admittedly did start to feel shame and embarrassment. I did feel like I had missed an opportunity. But it’s almost as if it was someone else’s narrative that I was telling myself. After I wrote the previous BTS Not Guaranteed chapter, I released the narrative from my mind entirely and haven’t given it much thought since. The event brought about a strange mix of emotions, but I believe the entire situation to be an indication that I am on the right track. I was not shaken. I did not falter. I did not stop believing. And I did not for one moment allow it to slow my momentum. I was tested… and it appears that I passed. The reward, as always, is more work.

It feels as though these past 46 days have been very big. But perhaps not in the way I was expecting, nor wanted. But big nevertheless. It was as if everything in my life was picking up speed as I got closer and closer to my 30th birthday. I was working at the newspaper a lot. And, most excitingly of all, I was making content. I built a content schedule full of columns and colour codes that I lived and breathed by. I planned and tracked all types of content from newsletters to graphics to podcasts. Across different platforms, different accounts, different stages of the creation process. All day every day I had my content schedule open and I worked diligently on refining it and syncing it with my day-to-day calendar. I sat down and recorded my first solo podcast. I filmed it and uploaded it to YouTube, I cut clips from it and posted them to Instagram and TikTok and Facebook, and YouTube shorts. Within a few days, one of my clips went viral on TikTok and I was faced with an old trauma once more. People were angry at me, people were attacking me. I had said something that they took out of context, twisted, and weaponised against me. I was taken back to the times I had people attempt to cancel me in the past and my body went into shock. I went numb and experienced an elevated heart rate on and off for many days as the video continued to gain views. But I was safe. I had done nothing wrong. I was safe and I was okay. I took it as a chance to neutralise the past trauma and learn how to work with what was happening… for when it happens again, I do not want it to stop me or hold me back. I made more podcasts and more videos and more content. I had laid the foundation for what I wanted to do, and finally, I seemed to be able to build. 

At the end of June, as I sat in reflection of my month, I had a realisation. I wrote on my Instagram: From my bed, I can see sheets of paper stuck to my wardrobe’s doors. I wrote on them in November last year. Six months ago. They outlined everything I wanted to do by the end of 2022 and what I wanted to work towards in 2023. These sheets of paper have been daily reminders that I am yet to achieve anything I wrote on them. But just this week as I was sitting in bed, it hit me. I’ve done everything I set out to do. It all happened almost spontaneously this month. But it only happened because I put six months of work into my healing and internal practices. Six months of preparation. And then it flowed. I made new commitments to myself about how I’d show up every day. I completely overhauled my mindset. I removed all distractions and crutches. Everything is different. It took no time at all. The tasks I wanted to complete sat on the back burner for six months since their inception and then I blinked and they were done. I’m making content in a way I never have before. I’m scaling my company for growth and slowly putting together a team that is unlike any other. I’m financially independent and secure while maintaining a good work/life/creative/entrepreneur balance. And just when I thought I wasn’t able to write a book, I remembered that I’m in fact 20k words into my first solo endeavour since Idol Limerence. I’m feeling good. My capacity for all things is expanding. I’m able to be more present for everyone in my life. This is the health I have been working towards for years. This is the bare minimum I have been begging myself for. And now, we build. I build. And then there’s just one more item on my 2023 list to go. The big one. It’s suddenly a whole lot closer than before. Until then I’m going to be right here. Building.

This is it. This is where my life changes forever. 

The start of June had me back somewhere I really didn’t want to be. Night shift. For many weeks in May, I was filling in for another team member in my new department. I was asleep before midnight each night. I lost weight because my body no longer wanted to retain the same amount of fluid. I could use my brain during daylight hours and at night, often on the same day. I fell into a routine that worked for me. I looked good, I felt good, I was doing good. And then… it was gone. Two night shifts a week was enough to discombobulate me once more and wipe me out for three days in a row. The Saturday podcast recording session was no longer, as I was waking up at lunch and groggy until dark. The Sunday mega content day slowly disappeared for the same reason. Monday was a write-off because I wouldn’t be able to regulate my sleeping in time. It felt as though I had to fight for every moment of lucidity that I could. I didn’t want to lose momentum. 

Interestingly, during this time of discombobulation, I decided to bring back vlogging. In 2022, I had vlogged every day for six months and it just about sucked the life out of me. I took over six months off from showing my face, and thanks to my efforts with the content I was making for The BTS Theorist, I was feeling ready to return to showing more of myself. I knew it was integral to my overall brand and reach to show some level of ‘reality’ content. I wanted to show my followers more of my daily life. So I filmed every day of the first week of June, and something quirky and strange was born. 

Though I had told myself that writing 20,000 words for BTS Not Guaranteed was a great start on my next solo book project, I was starting to think that I could do more. You see, I’ve been saying this quite a lot, but the best thing I can do for myself, for my career, for my visibility, for everything, is to write another book. I mean, real talk, it truly is what I want to do day in and out. Yet it’s the one thing I regularly do not partake in. This book is slowly evolving, but because of its nature–where I have to wait for things to happen in order to write about them–it’s not going to be ready any time soon… if at all. Either this book will end with “and I decided to give up on my dream of working with BTS and moved to a monastery where I will be taking an eternal vow of silence” or “and that’s when Namjoon messaged me with an idea for a book that he wants to write with me” or, more realistically, I’ll just stop posting chapters because I’ve had to sign an NDA. I do not have a specific timeline for when any of those scenarios will manifest, so it’s perhaps best if I work on writing another book, too. You know, in my spare time. One afternoon, I glanced at an email I received from Medium where they showed me stats for articles I had written in 2019-2021. What I found to be interesting was the high number of views an article called Limerence: The greatest love story ever told was still getting. Published March 23, 2020, I had written about a new kind of limerence–as opposed to idol limerence–as I was in the early planning stages of writing the prequel to Idol Limerence, aptly named Neo Limerence. Though it would be another 7 days before the release of Idol Limerence (and, anecdotally, the start of Australia’s COVID-19 lockdowns), I was clearly on a mission. I knew then what I know now… the best thing you can do to ensure the success of your book is to write another one. Just like how one podcast or one YouTube video or one album won’t ever be enough. It’s the culmination of consistent output over time that increases the likelihood of the content being found, as well as retaining avid fans. I often hear people say that they wait for a podcast or a series to have ‘enough’ episodes before they binge them. The same goes for books. I know it to be true because I discovered The Twilight Saga because I had purchased the second book–unknowingly–from a second-hand bookstore. If there was just one book, I wouldn’t have found it that day. I watched the second Matrix movie first, just like I did with The Lord of the Rings. Why? Because they were the most recent releases and I wasn’t around for the first ones. I digress. I saw the statistics and remembered why I wanted to release a prequel to Idol Limerence, as opposed to a sequel, first. It sparked something in me. A small spark. Perhaps an ember. But it was there.

The day that it happened was just like any other. I woke up and went to the hairdresser. I filmed for my vlog. I came home and was eating my lunch, feeling anxious. You see, despite all these small and wonderful things slowly building for me, I was still unsure how I’d get to where I wanted to be. Sure, I can vlog and write books and run a successful company… but there’s no task, nothing I can put on my to-do list that will ensure I get to work with BTS. Drinking my water and doing my steps and writing every day is not a direct line to Namjoon. So there I was, sitting in my bed watching tarot card readings on YouTube while I ate lunch. The reader said something along the lines of ‘just slide into his DMs’ which made me think “geez, imagine if it were that easy with Namjoon”. I became rather frustrated as I sat there. I wish it could be like that. Direct communication. As I ate and pondered I looked down at my phone to see a notification from Weverse. Namjoon was doing an event for BTS’ anniversary where he was going to read out ARMY stories. They were asking for the best of the best stories to be submitted in the next 24 hours. It was as if the universe had been listening in on my internal monologue. Just as I had exclaimed that I wished there was a way for me to directly communicate with Namjoon, I received the opportunity. I had no idea if I could submit in English, how long the story had to be, what the tone should be… nothing. How do I write to meet a broad pitch knowing that there ultimately will be types of stories that they’ll want to see? I threw caution to the wind and wrote something short in English to increase the likelihood of Namjoon reading it. I submitted it, then I got it translated into Korean and submitted that version, too. I once again found myself not knowing exactly how I should feel. I teetered between neutral and excited, and neutral and ambivalent, and neutral and nervous. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, as I knew it was a long shot. But I also did want to get my hopes up, I wanted to believe that this was a chance for me to be discovered. I did my best to put it out of my mind as I counted down the eight days until the live-streamed event. What this day showed me was that time and space really do cease to exist. I thought I had to do XYZ in order to be discovered by Namjoon. I thought I had to wait longer. I thought I had to write another book. I thought so many things. But I didn’t think it would happen like this. In the blink of an eye, the opportunity was there and reality shifted. The one big thing that was on my 2023 list that I hadn’t yet achieved was suddenly within reach. 

In the week that followed, a few things happened. I posted my first vlog and it got 200 views. I told myself that it’s okay, I mean, I had been relatively inactive for quite a while, so it would take a few months to build an audience back up. A few weeks prior, I had posted a reel of my books that I made for TikTok to Instagram. In the past, TikTok has loved aesthetic book content, but when it didn’t particularly work, I shared it to The BTS Theorist. It got about 2000 views and petered out. Then, all of a sudden, it started to gain traction. 10k views, 20k views, 30k… 40k... I watched as the number grew higher and higher. A day after I posted my first vlog, I got a notification from Instagram that it had 1k views, then 2k, then 5k. Both these reels started going viral(ish) at the same time. I sat in my room and wondered if maybe all of my efforts were suddenly paying off. A month after returning to posting every day across multiple platforms, things were starting to build. My vlog reached 14k views within a few days, and my books reached 200k within the week. Nothing else particularly happened. You’d think that I would’ve sold a lot of books, but the reality was I maybe sold 50. The sales might not have been directly related, either. The eyes-on-my-work scheme was going well, but the conversion to sales was not.

I was back in my new department aka the plate room for the week, as someone else was on holiday. Then, someone else got sick. All of a sudden I was working five shifts and learning how to stay late and look after the contingencies. If something goes wrong, I had to be ready to fix it with no one else from my team around. No big deal, just a few hundred thousand papers that need to be printed without error. The increase in my work paired with the build-up of speed as I entered my final week at 29, made me feel as though I was losing momentum once more. But I persisted. It was BTS’ 10th birthday but I didn’t get too involved. I couldn’t. So much was happening that it felt overwhelming, they were celebrating but they weren’t all there. Enlistment is a funny thing like that. Jin and Hobi still exist, just not as active BTS members. I stayed up until 1am to ring in their anniversary, though. I did my own little things. Then it was back to trying to balance my busy week. I worked during the day for myself, I filmed my vlog, I prepared my house for Mish’s impending arrival, then, I worked through the evening and night. The day before Namjoon’s event, I took down the sheets of paper that sat on my walls for six months and relocated them to another room. I went to a photo shoot with Emma who has captured me every year since I wrote Idol Limerence. I went to work. I slept. I woke up and collected Mish from the airport. Then, just like that, we were in front of the television watching Namjoon.

This is it. This is where my life changes forever. This is the moment… As soon as he opened his mouth I knew it wasn’t going to happen. From the tone of his voice, I could tell that my story didn’t meet the brief. The whole event happened in Korean without subtitles. I sat there and sunk further into the couch in the hopes it would swallow me whole. I became agitated and embarrassed. Once again, I dared to dream and it really wasn’t an opportunity for me. It wasn’t mine. How foolish for me to think it was. Mish didn’t know that I had submitted a story. But my mum did. I could see that she was looking at me a lot and she was getting upset, too. After an hour we stopped watching. It was awkward and strange to watch an international stream with no accessibility for other languages. I felt embarrassed. Ashamed. I somehow resorted to a pattern of behaviour that was still quite new to me. My embarrassment turned into self-loathing that turned into humiliation in regard to how I looked. Though the event had nothing to do with my physical appearance, my shame warped my mind into believing that my body was to blame. I fell asleep tormented by who I am and how I dress and how I talk and how I move. Vestiges of my 29th year, holding on for dear life as they knew their days were numbered.

I’m closer to writing a book with BTS than ever before.

My birthday came and went and it felt as though I was in some kind of trance. I didn’t really know what to expect from turning 30. Would I feel any different? In the first few days, I felt the same. But as time passed, once Mish left and I was alone once more, it felt as though everything had changed. Everything that I had been holding onto in regard to my age, the passage of time, past mistakes and hurts, and not having ‘made it’ yet was nowhere to be found. I sat in my room on a Wednesday afternoon and looked at my empty walls. I wanted to create something new. By the end of the night, four fresh sheets of butcher’s paper were stuck to my wardrobe. On one I wrote “How to build an icon”, something that I wrote without thinking. I wondered what is considered iconic. I researched and came across a paper on icons, I knew it was the right one when a subheading read ‘how to build an icon’. It delved deeply into the theory of icons and myths. Essentially, icons are encapsulated myths that people can consume. That’s what I want. That’s what I want for myself. To be the icon. A bold claim, I know. I have been wanting it and saying it for well over six months, but I hadn’t done anything about it. Now my wardrobe is covered in pages upon pages of research and plans and lists. How do I position myself as an icon? What do I do right here and now to work towards it? I know one thing’s for certain, I need to write another book. 

The reward is more work, and it appears that I have increased my capacity for more. On top of BTS Not Guaranteed, The BTS Theorist podcast, my weekly vlogs, and other social media artifacts, I’ve started work on writing Neo Limerence. Tonight I release the first episode of a docu-series on YouTube called The Making of Neo Limerence. Did I particularly need more work? Of course not. Do I have time for more? It didn’t seem so. Yet here I am, doing my little tasks and making my little pieces of art with greater clarity and precision than ever before. I can’t explain to you properly what shifted inside of me once I turned 30. And I wish I could tell you how and why everything I’m now embarking on is bigger and better and more me than ever before. Or how and why this is exactly what I want to be doing and where I want to be… because I know that I’m closer to writing a book with BTS than ever before.

It truly feels as if I’ve made a gargantuan comeback, but not from finding out that BTS were releasing a book with someone else, nor from finding out that Namjoon did not perceive me despite my best efforts. I’ve made my comeback from the place I was at when I returned from South Korea in October last year, depleted and confused. From the place I was at when I wrote the first lists and desperately asked myself for routine, structure, and consistency with my creativity. From the depths of my own personal hell. Life can change so quickly. Time can suddenly seem irrelevant and everything can fall into place in the blink of an eye. That’s how I know that I’m closer than ever before, in many ways, I’m already there... or rather, I’m already here. I have arrived at the precipice of my own becoming, and I’m so relieved.